Business time

It's time to get serious. I'm going to be stuck in college for at least four more years, Masters and the rest included, so it's high time I got serious. I've been lazy. I've been reclusive. No more. I need to put my own personal issues aside and pay attention to the people in my life who need it. I'm not the most observant person, or caring, really, but I should reach out and be better about this stuff.

So now, no more sleeping in, instead I'm going to do more studying. More reading. For some reason I've stopped reading for pleasure. I've stopped listening to music. I've stopped watching movies or The Office.

I need to stop focusing on me, and get to others. I realize I've messed up in the past, so now, it's time to start over. Time to not settle. This is not the sound of settling. 

But I can't.

I listen to this song and I think of you. 

I would wait forever for the chance to say I love you and mean it. 

My Year in Lists

I already know I'm going to get Netflix at some point this year, so I've been making a mental list of movies I want to watch.

But then I was perusing IMDB and suddenly my previously list went out the window.

I want to make my way through this list of Jane Austen inspired movies now.

Where I spent my money

While I was home for a few days I received money from my family. They told me to spend it on food, which was nice. 

So I got home, to my college town, and spent a couple days mulling over where I would spend the money. I knew I could spend it on enough groceries for a couple months, if I spread it out, but I'm not really worried because I start work again soon.

Today I went out, and got groceries from Trader Joe's. Awesome, and enough to last me for a few weeks. Then I went to the mall. I had looked at some shoes online that I thought would be a cool addition to my winter wardrobe, but knew I didn't need. I mean, I have two pairs of rainboots already. 

While at the mall I did buy two outfits. They aren't for wearing out, they're for wearing indoors, with one other person present to enjoy it. I bought lingerie. One was only $4 on clearance, which was a steal, the other thing was pretty expensive, but completely worth it. 

Why would I spend my extra money on something like that? Something that isn't going to really benefit me? Well, actually it will. It makes me feel pretty. I'm not saying I have to feel good about myself, but there are times when you need the little boost. I like going around some days, in plain ol' clothes, knowing that underneath all the layers I have on something black and lacy. 

Since I started investing money in cute underwear every once in awhile I've felt a lot more confident about my body. I don't care anymore that my calves are too large for most boots. I don't care that my hips are always going to make jean shopping impossible, though I will roll my eyes a little. I don't care that my stomach is fatty. I don't care that I have stretch marks on my legs. 

Because I feel beautiful, and happy with my body.

And the remainder of my money went to my textbook fund. 

Why Leap Year is a decent movie

I saw it, even though the trailers made me cringe with thoughts of cliches. Yeah, it is a typical romcom, but there are little things about it that made me really happy.

 

First of all, if you haven't seen it, you should, even if romcoms make you break out in hives. 

The premise of the movie is that the main character Anna, played by Amy Adams, is a career girl in a big city, who suffers from slight insecurities about her relationship with her boyfriend. She has worries similar to most women, when will he propose? and why hasn't he yet? 

In order to remedy her engagement-less situation she decides to take charge of the situation and follow her man to Ireland in order to propose to him herself (huzzah feminism!). When things go wrong with her flight she does everything she can to get to Dublin, including taking a sketchy ship into  massive storm. She finds herself face to face with a cute Irish bar owner, how jealous was I?

Here is where I'll fast forward to my favorite twists in the typical plot. At one point it appears as if Anna has left Declan, the cute Irishman, and gotten on her bus. I expect Declan to chase after her and the plot to continue in that fashion, but instead she has stayed. 

They continue on their journey, and it's clear that Anna and Declan are attracted to each other, but when her boyfriend finally proposes to her, she accepts. Which I appreciated. Why would I appreciate that she accepted the guy that wasn't as charming, cute or predictable? Because, if any woman were put into this kind of a situation she would take the safe choice. Who would immediately pick the random stranger that's been charming for all of the three days you've known each other? Especially over the guy you've known for years and planned out a future with? Stability wins over charm. It just does. I watch romantic comedies and I always see the same false ideas thrown around. 

Yeah, I envy the women who could make the choice to so easily go with something new and different. I long to be the person that could drive to Oregon on a whim. I dream of taking a weekend to just wander around Paris. I've even looked up the tickets many times. Sure, it would mean giving up a fair portion of my college fund, but it would be so worth it to have spontaneity in my life. 

In the end Anna does end up coming back to Declan. Which was also a cool move because in the process she realized her fiance was an ass. It was pretty annoying that when she went back she was wearing high heels, which she realized from her first trip weren't a good choice in footwear. 

Though, her shoes were pretty cute.

Open letter to you and Jane Austen

Dear Sir,

I find myself at a loss for explanations. It seems that I have finally done what my favorite author so often did to her main characters, I have developed feelings without even knowing it. 

When did this happen? I can't say. I couldn't put my finger on it if my life depended on it, but perhaps it was when you made that comment about going with me on all of my adventures. Or maybe it was hidden in one of your smiles that always makes me forget all the things that are troubling me. Perhaps it goes all the way to the beginning, but who knows what those are nowadays anyway?

I'll be honest. At first I just didn't care. I was numb. A lot was happening and you were there and I just really needed someone, it didn't matter who. And if I'm going to be honest I might as well say, that when I first met you I didn't consider anything ever happening between us because you were too good for the lowlife I had become.

But now I need you. Specifically you. 

I want to call you at all hours and share something funny or touching or ridiculous with you. I want to knock on your door at 9 a.m. on Saturdays and drag you off for a picnic in the park, while watching the townspeople go by. I want to wander to the library with you, and spend hours just perusing the books of our youth, sharing with each other the books that shaped us. I want to sit in the river, arms wrapped around each-other, listening to the sound of something we can't stop and counting each-other's sighs. 

But I can't tell you any of this. Why? Because like any human I'm scared. It's funny, because it was much easier to talk to another person about the fears I had than with you. I think it was because I knew that with that other person we'd never be close enough for it to matter what I had said. We'd go our separate ways, and not think of each-other in more than platonic terms. But with you it is different.

I want to spend a day just talking to you. Letting you know how much I do care, and yet how fearful I am to do so. I want you to know I could fall so hard and so fast I wouldn't even recognize myself when it was all over. I want to tell you about the past, and how fucked up some things have made me. Mostly how sometimes I just think I'm waiting for you to leave me, even though that's ridiculous, because that's what he did, but damn, what's stopping you from doing the same thing? And I'm scared. 

I know you have your priorities, and I have mine, but sometimes things just happen, without meaning for them to. You inspired me to wake up from the coma I had wandered into. I want to make you proud and my family too. Myself last. Why? Because I'm not sure who I am anymore. I think I'm close to finding her again, but I think she needs to be loved by me for once before she'll agree to come out of hiding. 

It's getting late.

And you'll never read this. 

But perhaps you, like me, will stumble upon a link one night, and find that you've found the page belonging to someone you know, or thought you did. 

I just hope by the time you see this it's not too late. 

-that one girl

P.S. 

I might just be another girl to you, or maybe not, but to me, you were way more than just a guy. You were a friend, a pillar, a support and a friendly face. You were a beacon that pulled me out of the hailstorm that had become my life. And for that I will never forget you. 

So here I am

Sitting in my living room, because it's too damn hot to sit upstairs in my own room, trying to do homework, but all the time just thinking about something else. 

A lot of things have been said this week. Mostly by me. What is to become of me? Do I really want to major in this? Or would I rather just go off and travel? But if I just gave it all up for travel then how would I support myself? Could I sell poems on the road to Paris? Could I work in a bakery to make my way to Belgium? Could I knit my way to a kilted man? 

Perhaps I could do all that AND be happy doing it. I wish I knew.