Open letter to you and Jane Austen

Dear Sir,

I find myself at a loss for explanations. It seems that I have finally done what my favorite author so often did to her main characters, I have developed feelings without even knowing it. 

When did this happen? I can't say. I couldn't put my finger on it if my life depended on it, but perhaps it was when you made that comment about going with me on all of my adventures. Or maybe it was hidden in one of your smiles that always makes me forget all the things that are troubling me. Perhaps it goes all the way to the beginning, but who knows what those are nowadays anyway?

I'll be honest. At first I just didn't care. I was numb. A lot was happening and you were there and I just really needed someone, it didn't matter who. And if I'm going to be honest I might as well say, that when I first met you I didn't consider anything ever happening between us because you were too good for the lowlife I had become.

But now I need you. Specifically you. 

I want to call you at all hours and share something funny or touching or ridiculous with you. I want to knock on your door at 9 a.m. on Saturdays and drag you off for a picnic in the park, while watching the townspeople go by. I want to wander to the library with you, and spend hours just perusing the books of our youth, sharing with each other the books that shaped us. I want to sit in the river, arms wrapped around each-other, listening to the sound of something we can't stop and counting each-other's sighs. 

But I can't tell you any of this. Why? Because like any human I'm scared. It's funny, because it was much easier to talk to another person about the fears I had than with you. I think it was because I knew that with that other person we'd never be close enough for it to matter what I had said. We'd go our separate ways, and not think of each-other in more than platonic terms. But with you it is different.

I want to spend a day just talking to you. Letting you know how much I do care, and yet how fearful I am to do so. I want you to know I could fall so hard and so fast I wouldn't even recognize myself when it was all over. I want to tell you about the past, and how fucked up some things have made me. Mostly how sometimes I just think I'm waiting for you to leave me, even though that's ridiculous, because that's what he did, but damn, what's stopping you from doing the same thing? And I'm scared. 

I know you have your priorities, and I have mine, but sometimes things just happen, without meaning for them to. You inspired me to wake up from the coma I had wandered into. I want to make you proud and my family too. Myself last. Why? Because I'm not sure who I am anymore. I think I'm close to finding her again, but I think she needs to be loved by me for once before she'll agree to come out of hiding. 

It's getting late.

And you'll never read this. 

But perhaps you, like me, will stumble upon a link one night, and find that you've found the page belonging to someone you know, or thought you did. 

I just hope by the time you see this it's not too late. 

-that one girl

P.S. 

I might just be another girl to you, or maybe not, but to me, you were way more than just a guy. You were a friend, a pillar, a support and a friendly face. You were a beacon that pulled me out of the hailstorm that had become my life. And for that I will never forget you. 

So here I am

Sitting in my living room, because it's too damn hot to sit upstairs in my own room, trying to do homework, but all the time just thinking about something else. 

A lot of things have been said this week. Mostly by me. What is to become of me? Do I really want to major in this? Or would I rather just go off and travel? But if I just gave it all up for travel then how would I support myself? Could I sell poems on the road to Paris? Could I work in a bakery to make my way to Belgium? Could I knit my way to a kilted man? 

Perhaps I could do all that AND be happy doing it. I wish I knew. 

To continue or not?

I seem to have lost my napping mojo. For the last months it's been difficult to even go to sleep at night. But was that really the main reason I haven't been writing? No. I've been lazy. But I feel I should continue to come back here and post things every once in awhile. 

This year I'm going to be doing a lot, not just for classes, but volunteer stuff and job stuff and even cooking stuff (I know, me cooking is scary). I might even go all organic (gasp) and try to buy exclusively from farmer's markets (double-triple gasp). 

So basically whoever reads this (*cough* tiffany *cough*) should be prepared for some really ridiculous blogs.

And more stuff that amuses me

"Alli-grater" $15. The kitchen stuff from Fredflare.com has always been amusing to me, and this time they don't disappoint. Who wouldn't want their grater to look like an alligator?

"Sushi Coin purse" $14 I know someone who is quirky enough to be able to not only pull this off, but be genuinely excited about it.

"shark attack pizza cutter" $15. Ahahaa

"Sizzling bacon wallet" For only $28 you too can own this monstrosity of a wallet. I must admit, the bacon stuff on Fredflare.com is really beginning to grow on me. 

And of course I'm not doing homework like I should be

All products found on Urbanoutfitters.com.

Umbrella Girl Shower Curtain $28. I like how simple, yet pretty, this is. I also think it's cute that it's a shower curtain and she's in the rain....

Crosley Pay Phone $90. I think this can actually be used. Honestly I'd rather just have something like this as a prop, but since it's $90 I guess it should work as well. 

Prank Notes $8. That's all it costs to freak someone out completely until they read the fine print. 




Silence and Noise Buffalo Plaid Dress $58.  It also comes in a really pretty blue tone, but I love purple. I can't wait for summertime so I can start wearing all my dresses. This is a simple, yet cute dress. Plus I like the pockets. Perfect for picnic type days.
Moustachio Plush $20. This mustache plushie has it's own mustache! How awesome. But I can understand how this could be creepy too. To me it's mostly amusing.

Really?

Number of naps so far today: 0
Lbs. lost: 5
Books read over vacation: 9
Books left to read: all of them
Number of times seen Twilight: 4

I can't believe I've lost 5 lbs. I guess that's what happens when you eat two really small meals a day, drink tons of green tea and spend all day packing. I should patent that diet. To celebrate I am eating handfuls of these cookies I got from Trader Joes. Mmm... wonderful.

Packing Sucks

I haven't moved in a long time, so the whole packing process isn't fresh in my mind, but today I finally broke down and started packing up my stuff. It sucks. I'm not just moving away, I'm moving out. That means all of my crap either goes with me, or into a storage unit. So as I pack I have to think. Do I think I'll need/want this in the next 2 years? If yes, then it goes into my Chico pile. If no, it goes into a box that probably won't see the light of day for atleast two years, or until I get a big enough place to really settle down.

But the whole process is sad too. What do you take with you? What do you leave behind? Why is one picture more important than the rest? How can I even decide what books to take when I love them all for different reasons? Why does one book resonate more than the others? I've never put much thought into the whole 'if there was a fire what would you save' question, but today I couldn't stop thinking about it.

My room looks so empty now too. I usually have tons of stuff on the walls, but now that most of it is down it looks barren. When I'm finished packing it'll just be another empty room that someone else will move into. It doesn't matter that I've lived here for eight years, because I've left no major imprint. The people who move in after won't care that I lived here, that I spent many nights reading until the sun came up, that I spent my teenage years there. It'll just be a room. It kinda makes me think about human life. The world keeps going no matter what we do and all that stuff.

And I have no organized packing system either. Which I don't care about now, but I will be cursing myself in a couple of years when I try to find something. In your face future self.